798. - Jonathan Parks-Ramage

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. How long gone? It's your friend, Chris Black, coming to you from New York City. I'm joined by my co-host. Them jeans. What's good? I'm good. I'm good. Just finished a little workout. Got a little creatine running through my veins. Drinking a nice peanut butter blueberry smoothie right now that I feel like would really be up your alley, Chris. Just a Cali lifestyle. I saw this photo of... Machine Gun Kelly walking out of Erewhon with a slice of pizza and some sushi and a green drink. Of course. There's nothing more tempting to get Chris to come to L.A. than that photo is what I thought like 10 minutes ago. You could have a job offer. You could be the Emmys, whatever it is. Just the idea that it's an 83-degree day and you could go walk to Erewhon, grab some dope-ass sushi. slice of raw pizza and just cruise for the rest of the day that sounds good doesn't it it does sound good i mean i you know how i feel about mixing smoothies with food but the rest of it who knows the smoothie could have been for his it could have been a green could have been a green juice juice could have been elixir mixing elixir with food is also great speaking of food though i was reading i said this earlier but i was reading them

The New York Post, the world's greatest newspaper. It's a good one. Among all of the other sensational Diddy reporting, someone said that he loved applesauce so much that he would even often put it on top of a cheeseburger. So I kind of wanted to – that's the real freak off in my opinion. So I just kind of wanted to get a food lover's take on this. Sure, sure, sure. Do you see the flavors mixing or is he crazy? I would say, I mean, it's definitely an unconventional burger topping, smash or not. You know, we have seen some burgers that weighed into the maybe like a fig onion reserve jam with, you know, like a blue cheese and like a pear compote. You know, there could be something if we're getting real arugula with it. But I think this to me, this is the urban version of Donald Trump putting ketchup on his steak. It ended up being more of an offense than his war crimes. And Diddy putting applesauce on his cheese bogo all by himself is somehow more damning to him personality-wise than some of his piss-related offenses. Because applesauce to me is sort of the lube of food. You know which I'm realizing? Like, I never thought about that before. It's a lube of food. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's not the lube. No, no, but you know what I'm saying. As soon as you hit kindergarten, the applesauce consumption, it really hockey sticks down. I wonder if he was loyal to a certain maker. He's like, I have an artisanal, I go up to Hudson twice a week, and they can them, they jar them, they preserve them all there. They do like a little blend of some Envy, some Honeycrisp. My beekeeper is also my applesauce guy, so it's a pretty easy trip upstate to just kind of knock it off. I'm going to assume he's not going full artisanal. I think he's definitely, I mean, I think he's probably a Mott's guy. I would think so too. Because if you're putting applesauce on your food as a 60-year-old billionaire.

It's definitely rooted in some type of childhood trauma or psychology. So he's not reaching for the Santa Cruz organic cold press. He's hitting the Costco in the Bronx. He's not getting a jar of the Vermont Village creamery. Yeah, yeah, sure. He's hitting the Bronx for the Mots. Well, I mean. I'm only following the trial closely because it's inescapable. And today, enemy of the show, Kid Cudi. He's not an enemy of mine, just to be clear. Well, he's only musically an enemy. I'm sure he's a nice guy. He was aura farming at the trial, and people were making fun of him for aura farming. And I'm sad that I'm saying those words out loud. But I think he did. do a good job at aura farming i don't know what that means do you mean dressing like he's in the ramones to go to court and smoking a cigarette for photographers or farming just means like doing something that makes you look awesome and badass that you possess a certain aura so you know just hanging out in front of the hot chicks kicking your leg up against the wall smoking a cig and then flicking it at the principal okay oh my god i want to suck that thing so kid cuddy's like what In defense of Cutter, I will say the walk from your suburban to the courtroom is one of the only real awesome times for one to aura farm. I've never heard this term before. I would like for you to stop saying it. Okay. But Kid Cudi, I mean, he's a fashion chameleon, as we know. And this is a shade that I don't know if punk works for him that well. And the cigarette does feel performative, like I'm stressed out, like that meme. Yeah, I mean, he looks insane, of course. He looks like the bad guy on Doug. I forgot his name. I love Doug, bro. I love Doug. He looks like he's like, all right, I'm going to go talk about how a music mogul tried to blow up my car with a Molotov cocktail after he was raping my girlfriend and broke into his...

Broke into my house. Yeah, I'm going to dress like I'm in the film Grease. Let's do that. It's extremely grease-coated. But he said, also on the stand, another... Greasy. Diddy is a horrible guy, and he should go to jail, but unfortunately... But... Breaking into Kid Cudi's house and unwrapping his family's Christmas presents is one of the coolest things I've ever heard. He broke into his house, unwrapped his family's Christmas presents, shut his dog in the bathroom. That is the coolest. That's something I would do. That's like a good crime. That's a harmless crime. Well, if you break into someone that's not a harmless crime, that is psychological terrorism, letting somebody know that you're able to get into your privately guarded home with a dog. Don't throw applesauce at me. I was curious. I'm curious about locking the dog in the bathroom. So to me, I read that as user error on the dog's part. If you are a guard dog, you are allowing a stranger to enter your home and then shoo you into the guest bath, maybe with a begging strip, maybe with nothing. And you allow this man to lock you in the bathroom where he's able to go open all of your Chanel. Gift baskets and go through your refrigerator. Put his feet up on the couch and kick him around. Rick James style. The dog should be grabbing a leg. It should be going down with the ship. I mean, I think the dog was probably some sort of pure breed $10,000. I don't know if Kid Cudi is working with a ravenous pit bull. We don't know. I mean, it's a spectrum. It's definitely a spectrum. It's definitely a spectrum. That's true. But I found this all to be very captivating stuff from the Kid Cudi portion of the trial. And we're just getting started. And a good thing, or a point that was brought up by somebody, I forgot who said it, but how come this is not being televised? This every day, it reminds me of when Trump was in office in the first month. Every day you open the news or your phone and 80 insane things happened or were said on record. Okay, I just looked it up.

uh kid cuddy's current dog is a golden doodle named nino brown okay nino nino brown ain't taking diddy toes off that's for sure nino brown ain't even taking a chunk out of the quad there's nothing that dog can do bad bad nino brown and also i mean i don't know when this all went down but before his golden doodle was around he had an english bulldog named freshie who he adopted uh 15 years ago while on set for how to make it in america that sounds like notably his best work that sounds like a dog that you name while you're wearing huff weed socks and that really try that really tracks for that he should be on trial for naming his dog freshie i mean that's an what one one more charge let's throw it against the wall one more charge a lot of a lot of yeah i mean that is tough and i think in like i said with uh with the applesauce and the cheeseburger for diddy And then we all are realizing that Trump enjoys ketchup on his steak. I think there's like a bizarre through line here of a powerful, evil man. This is a flag if they have this sort of bizarre infantile style of eating where they, you know, only something that a child would do. And this is a powerful billionaire, you know, evil, evil person. I would say that's a tell if you're wondering if somebody is good or bad. See how they're eating. Let's check the Kroger receipts, is what you're saying? No, no, no. I mean, like, follow him into Cipriani. And if he orders the, you know, whatever, his Paschetti only with butter and noodles and then squirts barbecue sauce on it or, you know, some odd thing going on like that. You know, that's when you go into your FBI earpiece and say, let's light them up. We've got the asset. We've got the asset. I got the asset. Let's go. Let's go. I wanted to talk about or complain and commiserate about Ryan Murphy doing the shards, but I think it would be a good idea to save that for our guest. I think they might have a lot of thoughts. But some people in tech news, people are.

tagging Chris and I and sending us images that we may appear like Johnny Ive and Sam Altman. I have to tell you the complete truth. I did not know who those people were by looking at them. I mean, I believe that. I think there's a 50-50 that you would know Sam Altman, but Johnny Ive, he's not necessarily a household name, and especially not a household face. He kind of just looks like a... Be careful. Just a very regular guy. Sorry. No, I'm just kidding. I don't think that you resemble him at all, but I think it's just the two different... I mean, it's mainly just two white guys and one person doesn't have very much hair and one person has more hair. That's all it takes. One person has maybe more of a muscular build and one person's a little more slender man-y, but... People were saying in the video of them, their fake commercial where they hang out together in crime-free San Francisco, in sucker-free SF, and people are saying, oh, they're going to combine forces and create these new AI devices, and we don't even know what it's going to be. We're not going to have phones anymore. We're not going to have computers anymore. Whatever it's going to be. Remember, people are speculating that Johnny Ive, the glasses that he's wearing in the commercial are actually a sneak peek of the wearable device in question. And I hope that is the case because so far we've just had these meta kind of rapist Ray-Bans that just like only a predator would own and wear in public. No, I got to push back. I got to push back again on that. The Ray-Ban. Okay. Well, Ray-Ban, that's the most classic sunglasses shape that exists. There's no way – you might not want to rock it yourself, but I think it's pretty flattering. I respect the Ray-Ban. I think it's cool. I've owned pairs before. But the meta ones that have a light on them and have the – I mean, obviously, it's as sleek as possible. Yeah, true. But you still see it coming from a mile away. It's not a red flag, but it's pink. I think you legally maybe need to see it coming.

There is some of that. Like if I am taking the upskirt photo, the light has to turn green for one second to let the world know. But I'm hoping, I'm not saying that the Ray-Bans are the worst of all time, but it's not cool enough for, I mean, obviously we're not wearing them and nobody we know owns them. So it's not there yet. But the ones that Johnny Ive was wearing kind of has like a 70s mini aviator Tom Ford kind of. you know, brown plastic. Those are absolutely not smart glasses. Those are definitely like Cutler and Gross glasses. There's no way they could fit the technology. Anyway, our guest is here, Jason. We should get to it. Okay, sorry. I forgot that Chris has a master's in industrial electrical engineering. We do have a guest today. Yeah, I mean, I have a... Never mind. Jonathan Parks Ramage is a Los Angeles novelist and playwright. Yes, Daddy came out in 2021. He's got a new book coming out. It's not the end of the world very soon, but he's also the co-creator of the Big Gay Jamboree, which is, funnily enough, what we called this podcast when we first started it. And super awkward sauce, but he just came on the Zoom, and he is wearing the Ray-Ban meta glasses, and this is going to be a very tricky hour. Let's give him a jingle. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Squarespace. Obviously, Jason, you and I spend a lot of time on the World Wide Web, so do our peers, our listeners, our friends, our colleagues, maybe even your parents if they're freaky. And if you're doing anything in the world, writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly, a website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative but also business-minded. Jason, there's one place to go for that, Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could, you know, have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools so those future graduates can find me. And, you know, I'm able to accept, quote, unquote, donations for my services that might be gray area.

You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. Show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early. And we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional as your competition, if not more. So, head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking... Something put together? A cabinet? Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And, I mean, it... How it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture, repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs. handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So when life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code How long taskers book up faster, especially for same-day tasks. So book trusted home help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code howlong with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable.

And they're just easy, but still put together. I don't want to look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics, but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts. Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. Jason, would you say this is maybe the sexiest anyone has come on this? Chest is out. He's got chest out. He's got chain on. He's got tinted glasses on. It feels like. I think he had a Kate Somerville. kate somerville 9 15 because everything is glowing i know you're in promo mode but still yeah my my motto in life is tits out for the boys. Okay, sure. Put it on my gravestone. Here lies Jonathan. His tits were out for the boys. Is it that warm in LA? It's so warm. No, I mean, I am. I've been in a tit-focused era, I have to say. I've been experimenting bravely.

for a gay man to bring back a plunging neckline. But I feel like it's acceptable with a button down. I would never wear a v-neck. But, like, I think it's okay to, like... I agree. Like, with the chain, too, it's giving, like, you know... Yeah, with the chain. I want everyone to know I'm a top. It's, like, the most important part of my personality. Okay, wait, wait, wait. What about revealing your open chest, maybe wearing a tank, and having a chain? How does that translate to, I'm a top? For a layperson like myself, for a lay bottom like myself. We have no idea what that means, so if you could just help us out. Wait, are the tops that are... What does top mean? Are the tops fucking you guys, not wearing chains? I feel so bad for you. Yeah, I mean, I've hit rock bottom. I got fucked by a chainless top last night. Things are not going well. Oh my god. I thought it was the GHB, but I just let this guy beat. I don't know what I was thinking. A chain is an Easter egg. It's an Easter egg. I mean, I feel like it communicates also like maybe a slightly more kink forward fucking aesthetic. Maybe something a little bit in the rougher universe. Is this like the 80s when you had to wear an earring and a certain ear to be identified? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yes, yes. Let's bring it. yeah so i don't know i just wanted to i wanted to be because you guys are so hot i wanted to i wanted to fuck you both with a with a with a necklace on because i knew i had a feeling you'd been well johnson we got i hate to tell you we got three tops one zoom this is gonna be a tough hour isn't it oh batting down the hatchet how does this normally work john when you have when when it's you and when it's three tops yes one line hotel room yeah do we draw straws is it like i was last time you have to go this time i think well you've gotta three tops do not make a bottom but fortunately there is a top shortage so like even if people are claiming yes has this been reported i haven't seen the new york times or anything but you're saying there's a there's are we living in a bottoms market if you're if you're reading the new york times you're you're five steps behind and you're 57 years old and a centrist democrat um but i read her down it's the new turf times it's like the most anti-trans publication in history anyway um uh no i mean

There has to be a bottom, but there's going to be a bottom. Even if everyone's like, oh, yeah, I'm a top, I'm a top. Someone's going to be like a cum slut whore pig secretly. Of course. Famously. Yeah, yeah, of course. But, I mean, to be fair, I mean, I do think that the straightest... thing a straight guy can do is get fucked in the ass i've heard this before i've heard this argument before from straight people yeah i swear to god oh see so it's true but is this an advertisement for pegging or is this not necessarily true jonathan well no i just think it's like social scripts have existed for a very long time which Tell straight guys to be afraid of butt stuff that it's so gay. Yo, fam, with that gay shit, chill out, right? Yeah, exactly. So this is running towards the fire to rescue the baby. A real manly act is like, I'm going to fall on the sword. Or I'm going to have the sword fall on me, I should say. Fall on the dick. I mean, honey, you can fall. As long as the sword's entering somehow. But I'm just saying, like, even if you're not getting full-blown pegged, like... I mean, because it's just God, God, who is a trans woman, gave you a prostate. And I mean, to come without having your prostate stimulated, I just am so sad for all the straight men out there. Like, if your lady is fingering you or, like, fucking you in the ass with, like, a strap-on, like, I do think it's, like, wildly straight because you just abandoned all the societal conditioning that's made you so afraid. I can think of a few good friends of mine right now who are like, I know that's right. I know a few friends that just turned this off, but I agree. My main goal is to come on here and alienate all of your viewers upon immediately entering the chat. I would say our demographic has increased in homosexuality greatly over the last few years because we're sort of translating a straight world to a gay audience. And translating a gay world to a straight audience. Yes. We need folks like you, Jonathan. Who's doing that for me. I keep getting these videos on reels that's like this kind of like hot.

blonde guy who's like shirtless at events and he's apparently bi and he just asked people the gnarliest questions shirtless at events he's literally sure like if it's it looks like a it looks like an outdoor circuit party but sometimes there's chicks there but it's just mostly it's just like him talking to gay guys about the wildest shit like can i have a bear hug yeah it's no it's way gnarlier than that it's like it's it blows my mind but i've learned a lot about what people are willing to say on camera i just feel like some of this stuff should be left to the imagination oh my god i mean sure sure i i do think that like buy for pay or like pan for pay or like there is like this pan handling pan i've handled a few pans in my day Oh, my God. Jason, we're not talking about baking a sheet cake here. You know that, right? We're talking about a different kind of pan. Okay. I just want to make sure. Oh, my God. Panhandling. Wait, that is it. You've coined a new phrase. No, I was panhandled. So we went to Santa Barbara for my birthday. Pan capital of Southern California. Wait, what capital? Pan capital. No, I mean, it is so straight. It's where the pans go to play. We all know. No, it's the straightest, whitest, most Nancy Meyers plays on Earth, which is why we love it. Which gets me even harder. Do you jerk off to Nancy Meyers? Like, thoughts about Nancy Meyers? I could, but I haven't. To the kitchens. To the kitchens. Not Nancy herself. It's definitely not her writing, but it's more of her kitchen. Her kitchens. Her kitchens are cunt. Anyway, so we were at Rory's place. You guys have been. I actually haven't. I've never been to Santa Barbara in my life, which is I know it's crazy by looking at me. Rory's place is in Ojai. You've never been. Oh, I'm sorry. Ojai. I mean, I've been to Ojai once, but I try to avoid it if I can. Oh, wow. Is Ojai over? No, I would just rather go to Palm Springs. There's nothing to do in Ojai. And that's why you're gay. Wait, you'd rather go to Palm Springs than Ojai? Me too. A thousand times. Most people would. Most people would. Have you been to Ojai recently, though?

i've been to ohai once and i like when like a long time ago when when 10 years ago and i was like i don't need to come here again you went at the you went at the wrong time it's now it's like rory's place is the she goes i've heard that i've heard that restaurant is very good though i have heard that restaurant it's okay i mean and it's like kind of like stealth celeb now like zendaya and tom holland were just there in like hoodies speaking of pan um tom holland is he really i mean he just looks gay tbh he looks very gay and i that's coming from someone who looks gay like he looks gay well can i say from an authority figure i was with i was with my friend carly this weekend and she like this guy came up to her and like recognized her like because she you guys know carly she was like oh we know carly we know carly it'd be tough not to recognize her one of our great beauties one of our great yes one of the one of the great beauties of literally all time so she'll like sometimes like horny straight guys will like come up to her and this like horny straight guy waiter was like oh my god like i was such a fan of slut ever and he was just like stacked just like tits out like tight shirt like stacked beyond belief and like after he left the conversation we're like oh my god carly you should like totally fuck him and she was like oh god no we were like but his body was like so shredded and she's like that's a gay body it is that's a gay body and i was like whoa this is a true that was a true story break for me is that like fag bod is now it's just like so shredded and like straight guys what will you guys tell me what are straight bodies well straight men are we are we aren't capable of getting to the point that you guys are yeah we we lack a certain mania in our minds that makes us unable like we know what it takes to get to that level and straight people are like I'm good. I'm going to watch golf on TV. I want to get to that level. That's actually all I care about.

I cannot mentally or physically get there. And I think it's literally because I'm straight. I don't think there's any. I think that's the only thing stopping. There's only semen coming out. There's not enough coming in. Yeah, I have a lot. I have a lot of. I'm committed. I spend the time because it's not like gay guys are on diets. Well, but that is it. That is. No, no. Chris, we've we've been to the bottomers website, the bottom bottom diet website. Oh, sure. That's only specific nights. You're not doing that. You know, sometimes you're letting yourself have a cheat meal. Dietary restrictions happen a lot in the bottom world, don't they, Jonathan? Oh, yes, a lot. And that's not even if they have an eating disorder. That's just regular maintenance. Jonathan, what's the perfect bottom meal, then, if we're out to eat and you know it's about to go down and you see him order this? What's your death row bottom meal, Jonathan? Yeah, yeah. It's absolutely nothing. I mean, if I'm getting railed, I don't want to eat. I actually think dinner has too good of a publicist. I just think, in general, who wants to eat after they've had just, like, a big sloppy bowl of cacio e pepe? You know what I mean? I'd not... That doesn't make me horny. Eating doesn't make me horny. To be clear, a big sloppy bowl of cacio e pepe, you're speaking literally? This is not a euphemism? No, no, no. That is not a gay euphemism. Well, this is why you have to bottom before Mother Wolf. Yes. Exactly. The only time to... to fuck is at like 3 p.m. and then have a meal afterwards. That's the only time. Get that alarm set for three, so you know what time it is. That sounds like a real Ohio weekend to me. We've got a [redacted address] res. I can only get 4.30. Let's hurry up. I DM'd him, but they didn't reply. You know what other straight guy has the faggiest body that ever fagged? Is Andrew Tate. oh yeah have you seen that man is the faggiest fag slut i've ever seen in my entire life like that body is that's i kind of forgot about i kind of forgot about andrew tate because he kind of i think people i think the pedal fell off the rose even for the heads i think they were just like all right this is this guy's too much like and he's like always shirtless in videos he's also just constantly seducing guys into his like creepy um sex trafficking incel cults

brother shirtless, which is also weird. That feels... Incest porn. There's nothing gayer than that. It feels very incest porn. Anyway, so sorry. We were at Rory's place and then there was also this table which was just like this like butch lesbian wine importer and like the lead singer of Muna and... carolyn kennedy we were like what is going on i know a kennedy is that not the chic i'm sorry you're missing out on what a variety of guests i didn't know i didn't know muna had that kind of pull i'm impressed no i well she was there she's just everywhere katie yes katie yeah yeah love her she like vaguely knows ryan like she came up on our table she was like are we sitting here like it was just so confusing there were just like so many people this giant table but it was like i mean a kennedy I don't know. You guys got to go to Rory's place. I'll go to Rory's place because I can go and come back. It's not that far, right? Yeah, exactly. All right, perfect. Well, Chris, I think you would stay the night at least at a hotel. Isn't it like an hour and a half? Yeah, it's close. It's a long time to go for one dinner. It's like when Alex made me go to that other restaurant upstate, Jason. Same shit. That's true. That is true. That restaurant was banging. I mean, it was worth it. I was happy to do it. Stissinghouse? Stissing House. Oh, yes. That's the one, everyone. It was very good. The drive is a lot better when you're drunk. It's in Hudson. It's in Hudson. And I was I had to drive. Yeah. Like you eat a six course meal and then you got to drive an hour and 15 minutes and dodge coyotes and there's no streetlights. You know, it's not great. It's not great. But OK, sorry. So I was panhandled at this restaurant. Like basically what happened was we were just sitting there and like the vibe at Rory's is just like crazy. And like suddenly this group of like five, like extremely hot, like 26 year olds just. storm up on our table fellas fellas no fellas and ladies okay right okay and i'm with you i'm like i'm like i'm back and they're just storming up on our table one of them like knows carly and then another one like knows who ryan is and it just is giving like a little helter skelter vibes do you know what i mean like it's just like wait why are there all of a sudden so many hot 26 year olds around us and they're like buying us shots and it's like what's going on and this one guy scientology

Scientology, yes. Whenever a girl who's too hot to buy me a shot buys me a shot, I go, all right, where's the brochure? Let's go ahead. Let's get this over with. Give me the brochure. It was very bad. And they were also all camping together. Like, they were all going to a campsite after this. Like, you should go to the campsite. I'm not going to that campsite. I'm going to get, like... gutted. You know what I mean? Not in a good way. Even if the campsite is powered by road cosmetics, you still feel unsafe? Yes. Activated. You do have to post three stories and one reel, but you guys should totally come. Yeah, exactly. Yes. It's an ad for skims. So then this guy comes up to me and and he's just like okay he's wearing like duck dynasty clothes do you know what i mean by this yeah real tree that's a popular that's a popular style in the gay community yes i know a lot of those yes yes yes so it's giving like a duck dynasty so because he's presenting as duck dynasty gay i'm processing him as gay and such yes yes yes and he was like he was like another like horrible suspicious thing it was just like starting to like talk about like his modeling and i was just like okay sure sweetie he's like i just did a campaign for grinder and i was like and then he pulls up this grinder ad and i was like oh wow okay one of the gay is like really really representing out there for grinder he's like i'm not gay and i was like excuse me i was like are you even a little bi and he's like i'm whatever you want me to be and i'm like oh barf also you're not like you are fully Like, do you know what I mean? Like, I actually don't trust you for a second, but he was, like, ready to, like, get down on his knees at Rory's. Do you know what I mean? If it meant connecting with us and then murdering us back at the campsite. I didn't, like, I felt like I was being, like, hustled. Do you know what I mean? It was a temptress situation. Do you think he was there? Do you think one of the people in this party was his girlfriend? Oh, I asked. I was like, so are you guys, like, all, because they were so chaotic. It was, like, such Gen Z chaos. And so I felt fully comfortable. I was like, are you guys?

all fucking each other and they're like maybe i don't know you're just gonna have to find out and it's like again like what is what is actually happening do you think that they were trying to rob you guys yes yes it was giving a robbery they saw your bottega clutch and they're like let's go table 12 ryan o'connell's got two rolexes on let's get him out of here let's get him back to the campsite no but then but then the grinder guy the straight grinder panhandler he Of course, he smashed the follow. We did a whole... Because we had to. I'm going to say no. We're not going to follow. We're not going to follow. Got to. And then there was... a very a very immediate swoop into the dms oh like i'm a writer i'd love to send you my novel which is actually i'd rather be murdered by a campsite than like get a random pan twinks novel nothing nothing sounds yeah pan pan pan twink novel is crazy for like from a model a model pan and also you know you don't want you don't want to read the book of the hot guy in the group no no no no No, no, no. If you're that hot, that's not your job. Like, that's not your function. Society isn't putting words to pay. No shade, Jonathan. Celebrated author. Who's on this podcast at this very moment to discuss his new book. But we'll move on past that. All I want to be known for is being too hot. There are exceptions to the rule, and we're potting with her as we speak. That's true. That's true. I will agree with that. Like I said, hottest, hottest, like, with the camera turned on, I was shocked. I was shocked. Guys, I feel like you have such sexy people on, though. Do the sexy people never, like, is it always just, like, pajamas? We fuck them all, Jonathan, if that's what you're asking. Yeah. The pod's a fucking pipeline. That's what I intuited. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian, stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down.

The news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world. And I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions. A lot of questions. But how often? Because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do? Three times a week. And I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess. The Guardian is not some billionaire owned. They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? Especially when it's not from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. Hi, Talk House Network listeners. It's your old friend, Nels Klein, from Wilco here. Wilco is touring this summer, and we'd love to see you somewhere on the road. We're playing shows this June and July in Rochester Hills, Michigan, Chautauqua, New York, Lafayette, New York, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Vienna, Virginia, Forest Hills, New York, Portland, Maine, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Memphis, Tennessee, LaGrange, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Virginia Beach Virginia Wheeling West Virginia and Columbus Ohio plus there are even more dates some with Willie Nelson that I didn't even mention here so please go to wilkoworld.net to see the full list of dates we'll see you on the road this summer this episode is brought to you by Prime what if you had one more chance with the one that got away Sam you came home based on the best-selling novel from Carly Fortune. Every year after follows childhood friends Sam and Percy as they reunite in the dreamy, nostalgic lakeside town of Berries Bay. Love can be hard to find. So if you're lucky enough to find that person, never let go. A second chance at first love. Every year after, streaming June 10th, only on Prime.

No, they're mostly... I think people, because they know that we're not using video, I think that some people... take that as a, I can schlub it. Whereas you took it as, no, I need to impress these two with my lips. I appreciate it. I felt the extreme need to seduce you both. Wait, also, can I say justice for my glasses? So they're not actually sunglasses. I know you read me to filth them, and I came on. They are transition lenses, which is actually the least sexy term. Hey, look, I don't want to get into political stuff right now. Let's not. My lenses are trans. She, her, honey. Who makes these verse friends? oh my god see they're not chic enough to they're they're no no no it's just like a prada like glass like you know like um like like like glasses are all they're all made in the same place did you know those luxottica owns everything yeah so i'm like it's you spend seven million dollars for a frame and it's like cool it's just like did you get them at the prada outlet by palm springs i got them at my eye doctors okay they look good on you they do look good thank you they're a frame that i would wear i would have been wearing contacts for you guys since i am trying to fuck you both but i have a sty right now and it's really terrible not just something in a really unsexy direction so the the contacts had to had to take a break they're in the nightstand yeah the contacts are are getting a timeout so i'm not quite as sexy we're not gonna ask you how you got the sty we're not gonna ask you how they got the sty we're not doctors we're not we'll take the higher road actually well there's there's a subject that we wanted to or i wanted to discuss in the intro but Thought it'd be good to save it for you. Yes. As somebody who has opinions on the matter, I'm assuming. What do you think about Ryan Murphy doing Brett Easton Ellis' The Shards? I mean, here's the thing. Like, no one else can do it. Because, like, Hollywood isn't a flop era. To be clear, Ryan Murphy did not option your first book, correct? Correct. He did not. Okay, I just want to make sure.

I know somebody did. It would have gotten made. It was actually a different. Do you know Ryan Murphy? I do. I do not know Ryan Murphy. So I feel free to. You're getting invited to the wrong freak offs. Choose your next words wisely, Jonathan. If I get invited to the Ryan Murphy freak-off, I'm going. I'll tell you what. Oh, my God. Honey, and you're going to be locked in the basement for the rest of your life. My life is changing. All of a sudden, it's me and Kaia Gerber in a Mercedes convertible driving through Bel Air. Shouldn't have said that in India. Okay, sorry. Okay, so going back. LOL. No, I just love how the first casting announcement was Kaia Gerber. I was like, wait, but who's going to play Brett? I'm assuming it's going to be like a Cooper. It's going to be like one of like his hot white gay sex slaves that is starring in it. And I'm surprised it wasn't announced. Yeah. I was like, Kaya, I mean, okay. I have a feeling that that person has not been secured yet, and that's maybe why. And they wanted to announce that it was happening. But when I heard Kaya, I was like, wait, there's women characters in that book? I guess. Who is she playing? I don't even remember. Oh, did you read the book? No, I'm joking, but there are women in it. It's been a little while since it came out, but you want to know who's going to play the evil gay guy and who's going to play Brett. Those are the two. Yeah, exactly. Yes, and how much... He's going to run the Menendez brothers back, for sure. Just like, you guys, come on, we're just doing this again. Change clothes. Put on a polo shirt, pop the collar, let's go. There's no shortage. He just ushers them out of his sex dungeon and onto sex. Do you know what I mean? He's got tons of... Of, again, white gay sex slaves. Do you think Pedro Pascal is booked, or he doesn't do TV? Oh, my God. Pedro would do Ryan Murphy. Pedro's in a new gay thing with, I think you guys were just talking about this, but that gay Alexander Skarsgård. Yeah, we talked a lot. Not much of a stretch for old Pedro. Or Alexander Skarsgård.

Oh, for listeners at home, Jonathan moved his head very close to the camera. Are you saying that you yourself know firsthand that a man that has had sex with Alexander Skarsgård, that's the only way to really bring this. I'm just, well, I'm going to get, I feel like there are too many celebrities that listen to this and someone's going to get upset, but I've heard. Okay. And you can do a Google image search. Alexander Skarsgård, Jack McBrayer, who is Kenneth on 30 Rock. Jack McBrayer? Yes, baby. I would like to say I believe he's from Conyers, Georgia, my hometown. I don't mean to stunt too hard. Jack McBrayer pulling... That's fire. Pulling that dick. That gives hope for funny guys everywhere. You know what I mean? Agree. But if you do a Google search, they go to every, like, award show together. There's lots of photos of them, like, kissing, like, hugging, like, it's giving. every award and like yes and neither of them are and you know what's really weird is neither of them are winning any of these awards but they're still hugging and kissing and celebrating that's what's really you know it kind of reminds me of uh of Meryl Streep and Martin Short where it's like uh you know whatever like when they're when they're listed in the photos Jack and Alexander just says like long time friend Jack Breyer yeah you know what I mean it's just like I get maybe like one award show you know what i mean but if you know there are hundreds of photos of them together working out in black tie yeah like unfortunately unfortunately jason i think if somebody did a google search of us it would produce similar results well obviously you guys are fucking yeah but everyone knows that we hang out together It's kind of the whole thing. It's kind of the whole baseline of the program. But do you think Jack McBriar is gay? Kenneth from 30 Rock? I thought he was out. I think he's more obviously gay. I don't think he is out. Again, I don't want to get in trouble. But at this point, I don't know. He seems like one of those guys that's so gay that he's actually low-key straight. He's just from the South. Like my co-host here. Here we go.

But Skarsgård, I think, is so good looking that it's almost like his responsibility to let everybody have it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to bless Jack. I'm going to bless some hot chicks. I'm just going to. I'm distributing. He's Paul. Yeah, I'm distributing the wealth. Yeah, he's panhandling in a positive way. I don't like the outfits. I think they're a little too much, personally. And that's what we were talking about, is that I just think it's like, I understand what you're doing. And some of the. stuff is really cool like the actual t-shirts or whatever but like overall yeah it's just it's just like the but you're not the character bro you're you're the actor like you don't have to do this anymore just look just look hot as fuck that's what i mean yeah that's the whole point of hand yeah that's the whole point don't dress up in costume yeah yeah no for sure um but he's also just like doing this gay movie which i know like plenty of straight guys do gay movies but it's just with all the constellation there's also like footage of him you can google of him like kissing pedro pascal like on the mouth and i know you guys also kiss on the mouth all the time whenever you're out and that's just something that straight guys whenever there's cameras around yeah we make sure To just kids plant a big wet one on each other. We do whatever our team tells us to do. I just do what I'm told, bro. I'm a vessel. You know what I mean? I don't give a shit. Fill me up, he says. You're not above fan handling. But then there's also photos of him again also being so cheeky and he's turning his ass around and sticking his ass out in leather pants for the camera. I'm like, what straight guy on earth? Ever. Fair point. Do you think it's okay for straight guys to play gay? I do. And I feel like the gay community actually likes that, but has to low-key be mad at it sometimes. Oh, I don't fucking care. I'm just like, are you good? That's my whole thing. Are you good? And oftentimes, how do we know you're not actually gay and in the closet? Great point. The whole dialogue around queerbaiting is just so...

i'm just like who fucking cares good i hope everyone does want to be a faggot that's like better for the well i also think it leads to the fan i mean i think that that most people think every actor is gay anyway so you might as well play into the fantasy and get paid for it well yeah i mean being an actor is just gay like it's just like you're fundamentally you pretend to be someone else okay yeah exactly you crave the stage and screen yeah exactly it's just like gay and it's like also like so like there's such a thing as like ryan and i call it actor sexual Do you know what I mean? Like when you're just around an actor and they're just like constantly seducing you and it's like really frustrating because it's just like, well, do you want to actually fuck or do you just want me to? And they're like, whoa, whoa, bro, what are you talking about? Yeah. No, or do you just want to be desired? Do you know what I mean? So I actually never, I don't like flirting with actors because I don't trust them for a goddamn second. I think that's a common sentiment. To quote rapper Cameron. is you fucking or not don't waste my time i know that's in jonathan's itunes right now it sure it sure is it sure is okay let's um we should talk a little bit about some themes in your new book it's not the end of the world which i received a pdf of yesterday so so you've read the whole thing You know, you've read every single word. I know some rough themes. Obviously, it was a joke. Yeah. Use the word rough lightly, bro. I mean, or use it roughly. You started writing this book presumably before like the big fires at the beginning, you know, in December, January, obviously. Yes. So I know that your book deals with natural disasters, maybe L.A. fires from other years or whatever. Are you kind of glad that you were bullish on fire being a big natural disaster theme for 2025? And it might help book sales? You know, silver lining. You've done it again, Jonathan. You've done it again. No, actually, I set the Palisades fire myself just to ensure... Penguin Random House sort of made you do it? Yeah, yeah. It was part of the book contract. Start at least one. I'll dedine it. I was just luck. But the Palisades...

but the palisades very funny the palisades that was all me that was all me no obviously tragic obviously terrible of course obviously we went to um joshua tree the entire time um and i actually went to joshua tree and palm springs sure but no i mean she fled yeah so the book It's about this wealthy gay couple that refused to cancel their baby shower even though it takes place on the day of a potentially apocalyptic event in Los Angeles. And I don't know. I guess it was just my way of... literally predicting the future like it takes place in a very grounded near future and i think it's just literally my way of dealing with my own anxieties about where we're headed this doesn't even sound this doesn't even sound that fantastic to me like it sounds like that is something someone would totally not science fiction is it something that's gonna happen yeah you wrote a book that's gonna all come true in the next 90 days probably yeah i hope not i hope not were there an actual real life couple you probably won't say but was there something like composite characters maybe yes i mean i it it takes place in a social milieu i'm very familiar with and i it's not about ryan and i we're never having children oh my god um and uh but i think yes there's also a satirical element for just kind of like rich clueless los angelinos who work in the culture industries. Which is who is going to buy this book. So you might as well speak to them. Right, exactly. So I might as well drag them over the coals. We love nothing more. Yeah, they want to read themselves being dragged. That's the whole point. Because you're talking about all of their friends and not them at all, right? Yes, precisely. Oh, no, it's not about you. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But yeah, I mean, it's not fun when people are like, oh my god wait your book is coming true like so many people have texted me with like advanced copies and i'm like i don't know what to say i'm just like yay yeah it's tough to celebrate that w yeah but there is a lot of sex

in the book, which cuts through the dread. I've told Ryan this, but when I read Ryan's book, I was scandalized. I was literally like, this is a lot for me. I was literally reading it being like, maybe it's because I know him and I've known him for a long time. I was like, this is too much. Chris had to excuse himself from the room. Jonathan, do you think this is going to do the same? Even though you and I don't know each other quite as well, how is it going to make me feel? I mean, I think it's going to make you feel like you need a top with a chain in your life um i i to be there great selling point great selling point not it's not like from right in ryan's book from page one it's literally basically a description of my literal dick because it's like the character written it's written about me it's fucking better be which i you know i was happy i was happy to supply some inspiration it's literally the first sentence is a description of my dick But it's not quite that up front. It takes, like, maybe three chapters before you're getting, like, oh, wow, you really showed some restraint. You gave me 30 pages, and then you let it rip. Before you're getting, like, a hardcore, rough sexual encounter. But there's also, I mean, there's also, like, virtual sex. There's also, like, MM. MFF threesomes. Hell yeah, one for the fellas. Thanks, bro. It's not ideal, but we'll take it. Yeah, we'll take it. No, there is actually also an MFF threesome. Okay, now we're talking. It's really for all. How did you even write that, though? How could you even begin to understand something of that magnitude? I mean, to be fair, it is not as graphic as the gay sex. The female sex is not my strongest chapter. Look, to be completely honest, my editor made me put it in. I wanted to keep it kind of pure, and they were like, we need some variety here. We need some variety.

so i would say those those are giving i have less facility with the mff threesome okay sure what is your go ahead ideal are i mean are you guys even allowed to have threesome like what's your ideal yeah no you're heterosexual sorry i forget you're not allowed you're not allowed to do shit like what's your ideal like final fantasy or fantasy football threesome is that i don't know i just tried to speak straight and i really bungled my my ideal threesome me my wife and a good book you know actually jason it's crazy you said that took that took the answer right out of my mouth oh my god wow okay okay so you can't even i mean i know straight people are yeah they're intense about monogamy so i don't want to i don't want to put y'all on the spot i i retract the threesome question gay guys are just such whores it's it's easy to forget and i'm not friends with a lot of straight guys so it's hard to forget that not everyone is a stupid whore well i think with with with with heterosexual inter relationship play it becomes a lot more tricky and risky and potentially harmful for the core of your relationship versus dude on dude on dude on dude like the male mind is able to rinse and repeat get your nut and say adios yes there's you know you're some women right jonathan these are wild stereotypes you know even even the most elevated i would say aren't super interested Yes. No, it's true. Because of the possible problems it could cause. Like Jason said, it's like, is it worth it? You know what I mean? This could cause us a lot of problems. My life is nice. Jason's got two dogs, for God's sakes. He's got to be careful. But also, it's never been like a fantasy of mine. Two titties is enough for me.

I don't have, like, insecurity issues where I need to have, you know, a room full of ass. I have a lot of insecurity issues, but it doesn't manifest itself like that. You know what I'm saying? Yes. That's all. Yes. Yes. Wow. Okay. Great. I love how Trad, we're very Trad, we're very Trad on the pod. No, we're Trad, we're Trad in real life, okay? Trad pod, Trad pod, I love it, yes, yes, yes. I mean, my wife does work, but, you know, that's just because I'm trying to get my money up. You know, I'm trying to get my money up so she can... And also, also my, my life... You know, the first half of my life, maybe less trad. You know what I mean? I don't mean that. Just in terms of practices. When I was less trad in my practices, these opportunities still weren't presenting themselves to me maybe the way they are to you. You just didn't have good enough coke, Chris. Come on. That is not true. You know I had better coke than you. Do not say that. I got it done with bad coke, Chris. Come on. That's the meanest shit you've ever said to me. You know my coke is good, bro. Don't do that. Do not insult my back. Do not insult my back. No, I mean, I guess it is very easy for, yeah, gay guys to just kind of slip and fall into like a DP threesome. Whereas it's like, I get it. It's like, it's not, it's not your culture. It's not. When I go hike Runyon with my Nalgene. There's never two girls hiding behind a tree saying, hey, can we both suck your dick at the same time? Yeah, it doesn't happen. I can't jump the fence and go to a different side of the beach where I can all of a sudden have dicks in my face under a rock. I can't climb that weird rock wall. Describing my favorite. Every time I hear about something like that, I'm like, every time someone's like, oh, yeah, so in Provincetown, you go under the bridge, and I'm like, you go under the bridge? Oh, yeah. to answer three riddles by a gay goblin. I'm sorry, if you... Yes, I mean, well, honey, it's mainly goblins under that bridge. There are trolls under that bridge, honey. Don't sleep on goblin mouth. They have to work harder. Just a toothless gummy goblin mouth. That's why it's so dark. It's dark out there. It's fine. I've never been to the dick dog. There's too many goblins. It's called the dick dog?

Oh, yeah. Oh, you guys. Oh, I'm putting you on. That's my favorite. That's my favorite app for short video clips. I didn't know it was also. Okay. No, the Dick Doc. It's a place in Provincetown. It is the doc. Exterior Dick Doc. Exterior Dick Doc. You're coming from the shortlist dance party. You didn't hook up with the dude you wanted to hook up with. You're drunk. You're high. you're making decisions you shouldn't you will just kind of worm your way down to the dick doc just and then you will just slip and fall into gummy goblin mouth just because you can just because you can you went fishing you didn't catch anything you you drop a line as the boat heads back home if you get a bite you get a bite it's responsible really it's it's responsible really yeah it's responsible it's good i mean you it's it's better than all their alternatives which is maybe calling an ex that you shouldn't be calling precisely it's healthy jonathan jonathan what would you say of all of these sort of like Well, secret to straights, but open secret in the gay community hookup areas. What is where do you think the hottest guys are? You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm not asking for myself. I'm just asking for the culture. Do you mean specific locations? Do you mean just like like park gym? I'm saying like in Paris, there's a certain there's like the bush there in the certain part of Paris. The bushes are depressed from guys fucking on them. You know what I mean? I'm saying they're all this is a global phenomenon. I would like to know what's number one. It sounds like you already know, sweetie. I don't. No, I don't. He's like, there's this one bush in Paris where all the dudes go to fuck. I'm a gardener. You're a gardener. Drop the pin. Drop the pin. Where do I get that? No, in Paris, you should go to Sun City, which is a multi-level spa with like a subterranean fuck maze. That's really fun. This really sounds like New York's hottest club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called... Sun City. It's called Sun City. And the steam room is actually... It's actually beautiful. There's a lot of beautiful mosaics in the fuck maze. I'm sure it's beautiful. Yeah, I'm sure there's lots of David-like sculptures. You said a fuck maze. How does the maze come into it? Yeah. Yeah, how does that work? Is it for our artistic bottoms who kind of need to...

always be doing puzzle solving and things like that. Underrepresented group, Jason. Thank you for bringing that up. We do exist. Yes, thank you. Representation matters. You ever fuck a guy while he's doing a Rubik's Cube? I haven't, and I should. I should. See who finishes first? Time! The Vug Maze, it's dark. It's very steamy. It's like a steam room, but it's like, but it's a literal maze. So it's like, it's like you're kind of in this dark maze and like guys will just, I mean, if it's fun, if they're hot, but if not, it's kind of like. Like Gollum. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like Gollum. They appear out of the smoke. So this feels like a video game, and some of them are civilians, and some of them are bad guys, and you've got to watch out. Yes, it's actually... Like paintball. Yes. Rockstar Games. This is the next. Dodging Goblin Mouth in the Parisian sex maze. Yes, so you've got to watch out for Goblin Mouth, but you also kind of have to just be okay with being sexually harassed. But, like, it's like you're there. It's France, after all. Yeah, but in any sort of cruising situation. But you also, people have to know, like, if you kind of knock their hand away. Like, I don't, I was in a fuck maze in Palm Springs once. And it's not, like, fun if, like, octopus arms start kind of coming into your scene, which are, like, non-consensual octopus arms. But that's why you need a top. with a chain who's going to take good care of you and knock away the octopus arms. This really does sound like a rockstar video game. I think we just came up with it. I think we just came up with something. From the goblin octopi. Yes. This is GTA 12 right here. This is a whole different thing. Okay. Yes. But then also beaches are fun. I mean, boy beach in Provincetown. It sounds like you have friends who are going to Provincetown and are... are hooking up on the beach. Oh, I have friends that are going to all these places, I'm sure. Yes, yes, yes. So Provincetown Boy Beach, that is, I mean, it's like at 4 p.m. is when everyone starts fucking because everyone's kind of been ambiently horny the whole day, but like naked on the beach or not naked on the beach. And then it kind of is like before everyone goes back to like their dinners, like everyone's like, okay, last chance to like... Let's do this before... Suck dick. Before I light the barbecue. We edge till four.

Edge till four and then we have to pick up the burrata and go home and shower. Yeah, precisely. Babe, we have a whole group coming over tonight. You gotta pick up the burrata. Although, if we don't go now, the wine won't have time to chill before. Yeah, exactly. I have a delicious bottle of orange, but I forgot to put it. I've never been to Provincetown, but I would like to see it after hearing about it for so many years. Bet you would. Oh, it's beautiful. Chill, chill, chill. I've been told Provincetown is acceptable for straights. Fire Island, stay away. Fire Island, stay away. Yeah, Fire Island, you can't. But Pete Sound is acceptable for the straights. I mean, it is extremely gay, but it is... They're also, like, kind of salty Massachusetts families coming through just for, like, a beach town day trip. Don't call Chloe. Chloe Sevigny is not that. Do not call her that. Not on this show. Not on this fucking program. I don't care if you're queer. It's like that kind of thing. It is very, I don't care if you're queer. I don't care if you're queer. We all go to the same Dunkin' Donuts. I'm cool with this. We all wait in the same line for the clam strips. I don't care if you're queer. It's actually queer. Queer. If you're really queer. Queer. God damn it. Like how you say weh instead of we? Weh. Weh. Weh. Weh. But, yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome in Provincetown any time. Ryan and I are going to be there the first week of August. Maybe I should. Maybe I should. Yeah, if you have an extra room and I don't have to do anything to get it, you know, besides pay. Chris, when you go, the drawstring on your Prada trunks, you're going to want to double knot those. Oh, we're double knotting. Yeah, we're double knotting. But you've got to get your, if you want someone to tug on your Prada trunks. You've got to get your gay body in shape. I mean, you can't be heading to Piton with straight body. You've got to start shredding now. What if my straight body is my secret? Because then they know you're straight, so they want you even more. You see what I'm saying? Well, actually, that is true. That is true. Because that's kind of the classic problematic, and gay guys might hate me for saying this, but it is the problematic fantasy of, you know.

turning the straight guy. So I actually think you could clean up... I've heard about Bradley Cooper before, but I didn't know it was going to come up like this. Oh, honey, you bring your mom to the Oscars, you are a... I guess. That's like bringing Bette Midler. You're right. All of our DP listeners out there, take note. Bring a sex worker if you have to. Yeah, bring a sex worker. Mom to the Oscars? Faggot. I've also heard tea... Yeah, we all have. Go ahead, though. You would have better tea than us, though. One of the whitest female celebrities did tell our friend... I love her already. I know. Did tell our friend confirmed that Brad and Pedro had hooked up. ITK. And she's so famous that she would know. But now, here I am. I'm going to be like, who listens to a lot? I'm really worried. I didn't know you guys were titled Taylor Swift like that. I knew you hung out with it. I knew you mixed it up, but I didn't know it was like that. No, it's not Taylor. It's not Taylor. Okay, I just asked ChatGPT who are the whitest female actresses. Okay, we got Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Anne Hathaway, Emma Roberts, Brie Larson, Jennifer Lawrence, Dakota Johnson, Zoe Deschanel, Taylor Swift. Okay, if I say it, you have to promise. Bleep it. We'll bleep it. To bleep. We'll bleep. Oh, sorry. Bleep again. Yes, yes, yes. That almost might be a better... Because I've heard from, like, a dude who's like, no, no, I walked and I did it. Like, I did it. And I still... Oh, well, that's for a... Okay, let's stop saying her name, guys. I still have to edit this. I know, sorry. There's going to be... Also, we don't call her that. Her close friends call her...

Okay, come on, you're not helping. Stop talking about Saoirse Ronan like that so much, guys. I'm trying to get him off the scent now. You know I can't say her name. I've never been to pronounce Saoirse Ronan unless I hear it first. Unless I hear somebody say it first, I can't say it. That's almost as hard as B.B. Rexha. You know, I saw somebody tweet about B.B. Rexha the other day that she has four songs. with over 1 billion streams each. Don't play with BB. Don't play with BB. And that's why she's such a bitch, because she's got hits, but she looks bad, so she's upset. She said, check the sound scan. She said, check the sound scan. Oh, wow. Because I am a gay man, and if anyone should know that fact, it's me. So the fact that I don't just makes me wonder. I learned this from a gay man, to be fair. Okay, so there are... Because BB Rexha... Jason, is BB Rexha an artist that if I heard the song, I'd be like, oh shit, that's her? Or it's not even like that? No. Okay. You would not be able to pick one of her songs, but despite all that, she is eating good. I love stories. Honestly, I think it's cool. No, I'm happy for her. Yeah. Well, she's not eating good because she's B.B. Rexic. Is she? Sorry, that really... That landed with a thud. You can also bleep that joke out. No. No, she's not. She's not actually B.B. Rexic. I think she's actually... I can tell. I actually don't know what B.B. Rexic looks like. You can tell. She looks like she could work the check out of the Piggly Wiggly, but with really expensive hair. I don't want to fat shame anyone, but I would say if she is Bebe Rexic, she might not know what Rexia means. I'm not saying that because she's big. I'm saying that because she gives off that kind of energy. She gives off like a... a bagger energy a little bit yeah yeah yeah but our don't guys love the girls isn't that like we're all straight guys like don't you all want like some of us yeah like jiggles some yeah maybe i mean oh my god you guys it's so fun you guys are so you're like

t-r-a-d honey yeah i mean my t is can't even say if you like to see it as jiggle that's not true of course i like i like i like women of all shapes and sizes and all flavors but it's i'm not like uh i'm only into badass white girls i'm only into this i'm only that yeah you know amazing sexy beauty can be found all over the spectrum, all over the world. I famously love to be surrounded by beauty, Jonathan. It comes in all... Sometimes a fat bitch is good, sometimes a fat bitch is not good. Mostly blonde, but that's fine. I don't want to get specific. I don't want to get specific. No, I like... some thickness in my women not that i have ever had sex with one just in terms of friendship i didn't i didn't realize i didn't realize we were dealing with a gold star oh yes gold star honey i mean who's surprised hello i like my yes i literally came out wearing this wearing this necklace um of my uh came out of my mother's womb wearing this yeah this top necklace um uh massachusetts That's how I know how queer is pronounced. Yeah, that's true. You're called it a lot as a child. You're an Affleck cousin. I got it. Distant cousin. Distant cousin of Affleck. Okay, well, during, speaking of natural disasters, relocating during, you know, maybe ends of the world scenarios, during COVID, you said you bopped over to Palm Springs, Joshua Tree for a little bit. Was there ever a moment where you guys... Considered leaving L.A. permanently and going somewhere else, maybe back home to Dorchester. We're leaving. We're leaving. We're going to go be queer in Dorchester. The fires are too hot. The fires are hot. The fires are too hot. Going to be queer in Dorchester. No, I would never. The only time I'm returning to Massachusetts is when I'm on vacation. No, during the fires, we went to Joshua Tree, and Ryan hates. joshua tree he didn't know that at the time we just knew lesbians that were going there and we're like the lesbians know we were actually with carly and i was in the middle of a dinner party i made a delicious spicy facility alla vodka and we literally left it on the table big when the hollywood fire broke out and literally went to joshua tree in the middle of the night we were so freaking freaked wow but then we like rolled up ryan rented this like

Rather cunt, but in like an A24 Alex Garland, like ex machina kind of Airbnb kind of way. Do you know what I mean by that? So it's very brutal. Like the refrigerator talks to you type shit? Yes, and it's all gray, all stone, giant ceilings. We drive into the... We're driving... all night in in the literal darkness we turn off the paved road and are just driving on a desert and then it springs up this giant like monolith and it's the creepiest shit ever it's like okay so there is an ai robot that's absolutely gonna murder me here like do you know what i mean so it was just and joshua tree is kind of giving nothing but i don't know also we lost power all the time so we like drove all this way to only not have power in joshua tree oh and it's also like 120 degrees i know and so i but i don't think we gave it a full chance but i guess this was during winter but i've never been there actually really joshua tree is for a very specific type of person and you are not that person chris that's right i know in short bursts but you know you go there you hike you take mushrooms you cook a weird dinner you read you find yourself you cleanse your mental energy yeah but you know to live there full time you got to be like maybe i'll get an ar-15 yeah and kind of decamping from like expat from civilization. It's giving like... A little off-grid. Yeah, I live off the grid, but I still have a Tesla charger, is the vibe. Yes, precisely. So we lasted there for two days and then got a different Airbnb in Palm Springs, which felt much better. Let me upgrade you. Yeah, and there's also the... I mean, honey, the Grindr grid in Joshua Tree? Crickets. Not popping off. That could knock the power out. It's taking someone. No. I want to know what the Grindr grid was looking like when you visit Palm Springs, any old weekend getaway, Memorial Day, three-day weekend, versus COVID when all of the best gays in Los Angeles set up shop. How was the grinder looking? I mean, the grinder, to be fair, it does just look like L.A. grinder when everyone from L.A. is in Palm Springs. So during the fires, it was giving like... A little slice of home. But I mean, yeah, a little slice of home. Some of my favorite holes were in town. Yeah, cozy. Just a nice, cozy, warm hole to curl up inside. I needed this tonight after all that we've been through.

I don't want new hole. I just want that familiar, familiar hole. No, it's actually great. Is it like, because like the grinder grid went in your local location. Like it's always the same basis. You know what I mean? So I'm getting LA gays that I would never travel. Cause never travel for pussy. That's always my rule. Like you fly them in. Yeah. That's what we always say. That's what we always say. In Los Angeles, if it's over two miles, it's gotta be like really. Good. IMHO. Two miles? Otherwise, you're like... That is a eight-minute drive with no traffic, brother. When it's a walkable distance, I feel like it's not that far. Five miles in LA. It's true. Like, I fucked this guy in Laurel Canyon, and it was... The pussy was good, so it was worth the trip. But then, Laurel Canyon to Echo Park, going back, because, again, the time I fuck is at 3 p.m., going back... [redacted address]. Are you kidding me? Honey. That mess? Honey. Honey. Took me an hour to get home. But you know what? I went back. It was that good. It was that good. Thank God you can drive. Thank God you can drive. Because the Uber prices. Are you not driving either? I don't know how to drive either. Neither Ryan O'Connell nor myself know how to drive. He has a disability, so he has an excuse. There's nothing I love more than saying Ryan O'Connell get out of the Uber SUV at Easton to go get a workout in with Hunter. And I'm like, this bitch takes an Uber from fucking Echo Park to come work out in WeHo. I know, and it's like he's scared if he doesn't make $500,000 a year. And I'm just like, well, sweetie, maybe just... stop getting Uber Blacks to your gym every day. Nope, nope. That's what makes him great. That's the drive. No, thank you. No, I'm not getting Uber Blacks to Laurel Canyon for my trip. I'm getting an Uber X. you know what i mean i i i'm not man of the people man of the people and then if it goes well if the pussy's bad then we'll treat ourselves to a suburban right yeah on the way home we need to escalate on the way home yeah yeah all right jonathan thank you for joining us on how long gone it was a pleasure when is the new book out it is out june 3rd june 3rd very soon okay so get that you can pre-order it's called it's not the end of a it's not the end of the world it is technically fiction but uh

You know, it is rooted in real life. It sure is. And also if you are straight and you're into dystopian black mirror type shit, there's a lot of this going on. Is our tech wearables controlling our body and surveilling on us? as well as MMF threesomes. And MFF. MFF. See, look, that's a Freudian slip from Jason there. Whoopsies. I will be skipping that chapter in the sauna, of course. Of course. Oh, absolutely. I don't know. In fact, Jonathan, can you text me which chapters to skip? I just want to know. Like, kind of before I get in here. It's kind of like a child proofing on your iPad. Like, no, no, Chris, we don't do 13. Yeah, there have to be two women in this episode. Exactly. Jonathan, thank you. It was a hoot. We appreciate it. It's been a hoot and a buzz. Smooth. When patient care is your top priority, you need a proven workforce solutions partner who can deliver it all and deliver it right. AMN Healthcare brings together technology and talent into one seamless solution. Trusted by more than 2,000 health systems across the country, we help organizations make smarter, data-driven decisions and improve patient outcomes. AMN Healthcare. One partner, complete workforce solutions. Discover how we are empowering the future of care at amnpartners.com